| Thursday, April 3, 2008,6:53 PM |
to ft island fans, CI entertainment is giving back refunds for the cancellation of the concert and the shoe are still on. not canceled. and those who didnt get their cd will get them.
amazing what a fight can do to you, i didnt eat much yesterday since lunch. mehh, i sorta skipped my dinner too. lately, i've been having mood swings. maybe chialing is right. i might be getting crazy. one moment i'd be happy like there's no end, the second i'd be so mad to the point that i might stab anyone with my math instruments, then i'll be laughing my butt of then get depressed. see? one good example was yesterday. probably? i was mad when i got to tuition, then happy again, then mad then happy then mad then laughing my butt off until i cried. depression, jealousy and anger is taking over me.
it's probably my medicine taking over. no one said changing medicines would be good. yes, im still sick. even if it's already been one month that i was. maybe i'd be like this forever? maybe i'd die? but who cares. it's my life and only mine. so lately, my sickness is getting better, so the amount of medicine im taking is lessening and lessening. maybe i'd be better tomorrow if i take a proper amount? maybe i'd die if i take too much? that doesnt sound like a bad idea.
i've been bottling up my feelings too much lately, all that stress was okay last time. i managed to bottle it up and discard it without even knowing. but now i feel like it's too much. all the pressure my parents are putting on me. all the responsibilities. it's eating me up till im no more. so instead of telling other people like my friend advised me, i kept it all to myself so no one would worry about me. i dont know why, i dont like having people being worried about me. i feel like im being a burden to them so i kept it all to myself. sigh. will i become like shou cong if i keep this on? i have alot of things in my mind, yet i dont feel like letting them go. im afraid of losing it all.
my bitchy side is showing alot lately. i've been making alot of people fucking pissed because i have pleasure of seeing them annoyed. i dont know why either. i've been taking insults better than before. back then, when people insulted me, i'd hit them and yell at them. but now, i just nod and say thanks. except for some people, it's fun to argue with them. for example, lonejie?
And i also found myself an emo corner? i noticed that i've been sitting there crying everytime. yeah, im a crybaby, sue me why dont you? people dont know this but, i try my best not to cry in school. when it seemed like i forgot all about it, i go home and cry to myself. i cant help it. i've always tried to think of positive thoughts everytime i cry, but it seemed like more bad thoughts came pouring in. i dont know what to do. im lost. and no one is willing to help me. come to think of it, no one can... i tried my best to be happy these few days, but things just got worse. i got into an arguement with my best friend. now i dont only have pressure at home. but also in school. everywhere i go, i feel pressured. school, home, tuition. when will this end? why is everyone putting pressure on me? WHY? anyways, here's something for my bestie. everything im stating here is true. i admit to my sins. i wont lie. i wont make up things. there's no need for that. i WILL admit for everything bad i did, but i WONT admit anything i didnt do. so just read, it's your choice if you want to respond or not.
remember last year? when we always fight? remember when i was really bitchy to you? and you were really bitchy to me? it was funny, that two people that fought alot in the past can be bestfriends now. fighting can get people closer, huh?
2007. when you and i stopped fighting. you started to trust me because i was nice to you. but being the spoiled and bitchy me, i took advantage of it because i still hated you. you told me about your relationship with him. at first, i didnt want to tell because i forgotten my grudge for you. i helped you keep it a secret, until one day when we were talking about it, someone was listening to us secretly. guess who it was? no one but boonkeat. being the guy that he was, he was like "ahh. so you and *insertnamehere* together la?" in front of us. you and me both tried to deny the fact but he still didnt believe. then it got to michelle. i forgot how she knew... i think you told her yourself or maybe i told her. i also didnt know. when boonkeat start to spread. i still kept quiet for sometime but i DID tell reychelle about it. then michelle also start to spread. after that, HE come to our class and find you. then everyone started to get interested. and seeing you getting pissed and annoyed, it reminded me what i was going to do in the first place. since everyone in class already knew (courtesy of boonkeat and michelle), i let out the nickname you gave him. boonkeat and michelle took the pictures and sent it to me. i kept it in my computer. then when it came to the point that you go SOOOO mad at us, you yelled at us. yes, dont deny the fact that you did. and you also got mad at me. you kept scolding me on msn. to the point that i felt satisfied and started to let go of the grudge.
i kept the pictures for a few days, just to annoy you. but i knew i was going to far, i knew i was being harsh. so i stopped annoying you. satisfied with what i already caused. yes, im selfish. then i started to really treat you as a friend. because you forgave me for what i did afterwards. (but you only forgave me after a few days) i kept my mouth shut about the latest stuff you told me. i didnt tell, did i? i didnt even tell reychelle when you let me see the messages. you two were so happy that i felt like a spoiled bitch for what i did before. but when he broke up with you, i felt worse. i felt like it was my fault. was it my fault? i also dont know. but seeing you sad that time made me know that i was being mean. i tried to cheer you up. i sacrificed some things for your happiness. at that time, i knew i was getting attached to you. after that, i kept everything you wanted me to keep a secret. did i tell? i dont think i did.
then 2008, we became the best of friends. i felt like a little girl getting rewarded with candy for something good she did, i felt lucky. i felt happy. but things changed when i started to change. pure pressure took over. i couldnt be happy like i used to. i wasnt carefree anymore, i had alot of things in my mind that i didnt talk to other people about. what could a girl like me possibly have in her mind? well, alot of different things and alot of different feelings. happiness, sadness, depression? gradually, i started to put my trust on online friends from lovefti and ak. for some reason, they never failed to make me happy. but from time to time, they make me depressed too. reading fanfics made me know how twisted someone's mind can be. i try to stay away from situations like in the fanfics but i started to feel dumb following something that was fake. little did i know, it was the same. the fanfic and in real life.
you told me secrets, i kept them. the only person i told was reychelle and only her. but sometimes, you cant blame me because your OTHER BEST FRIEND was eavesdropping on our conversation in class. it wasnt my fault that i didnt know she was listening to us. and what did she do? go spread it. yet you trust her so much. to the point that i called you dumb for trusting her more than me. you might not know. but she isnt all that you see. looks are deceiving. she might seem like she wont fight against you, but you dont know. you dont know what she told me when you keep saying she like boonkeat. you really dont know. i tried my best to stop everything she did without her knowing. i gave her plans which i faked just so she couldnt hurt you. you know? i was risking my friendship with her because i wanted to help you. you didnt know, and i didnt told you. i didnt want to ruin your friendship with her and i still dont want to. you told me your real name but did i tell anyone? no i didnt. even jiayih pleaded me i also didnt tell. reych was guessing like mad but i also didnt tell. i didnt tell anyone. no one. and you, you told michelle. michelle might probably spread it and you'll put ALL the blame on me again. let's just hope she forgets soon again.
i knew that if you hated something, you wouldnt do it. if people force you then you'll cry. because i didnt want to see you cry, something i didnt want to do i still do for you. we both hate one minute sharing, and you were unlucky and got called up twice. michelle still laughed at you and wasnt willing to help you. but what did i do? i knew i would humiliate myself in class but i still helped you. why? because you're my bestfriend and i love you to the point that i could throw my pride away just for you.
unless you dont know. im those type of people who take bestfriends seriously. i'd kick anyone's butt if they made you cry. if you lied to me, i'd end up getting more hurt than i would if other people lied. even if you didnt mean it, i'll take it seriously. i dont know why. maybe it's because i love you and believed everything you said. i know you were just joking about the hacking into phone line thing. i knew it all along. but i couldnt help but feel hurt because you were trying to lie to me just to tease me. and to make it worse, michelle added in her comment lagi. i felt mad that you'd actually do that to me as a joke.
you say you know how i feel. do you know im suffocating? do you know i have to take pills everyday because im still sick? cant you see that im still sick? cant you cut me some slack? these pills, they're making me weak to the point that even walking is tiring. i have to sleep early everyday because they made me tired. but i couldnt. because i have to study my butt off. if i didnt, i'd prolly get low marks and disappoint my parents. i've been sick for almost a month already. just when i was about to feel better, we had a fight. since wednesday, my coughing got worse and worse. yeah, i think all this depression and anger caused my coughing to get worse. did you know that i couldnt breathe properly because of it? when other people like you could breathe normally, it was hard for me? did you know i have to take in big gasps of air because i didnt inhale enough air. not even my parents know this. and im opening up to you in hopes that you'll understand. everyday, when im about to cough in front of my parents, i'll keep it in until they're out of sight. do you know how hard it is? i even choked on my own saliva. being sick sucks. i was actually glad that i took my medicine, because it made me forget stuff. it made me forget we were fighting for some time until i went to school. did you know how sad i was? you said i hurt you, but did you know me and you both are hurting me? my condition isnt stable right now. i might go depressed or happy any time. so i hope you'll understand how i feel now.
it's your decision now. whether you want to forgive me or not. it's your decision and i'll respect it. i on the other hand, already forgave you for what you did. and i always will no matter what. i might quarrel with you and get totally bitchy with you, but deep down i still love you and i always will because you're my bestfriend. i dont feel like caring anymore, i dont have the energy to. maybe when i get better, i'd go win your friendship back again. but now im helpless and you know it. maybe... we'll we friends again. who knows? anyways, i'll stay away from you if you want me to. and dont keep bringing up the past. it happened long time ago already as cheewee said. before was before, when we hated each other but now is now, now we're friends or maybe exfriends. dont know la.
love your bestfriend/ exfriend
Jane/ Sora13 ( now you know Karen)
ps: replying to this is totally up to you. i doubt that you'll reply or even forgive me but i'll still post this up. fyi, i dont want sorry anymore. i dont want anything from you anymore. i'll just keep quiet and live in my own world until you decide what you want to do.
| my world ★ |
| i own this wonderland |
Believe in the power of Karma. Whatever you do shall be repaid, be it good or bad. Oh, and this is my blog, so I obviously don’t give a damn about what you think.
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since 6th July 2008
♣ jane, sora, wasabii or milk
♣ 12.o1
♣ likes to photoshop
♣ studying in CHMS
♣ obsessed with touching hair
♣ loves chocolate way too much
♣ listens to korean music
♣ is random, weird and crazy
♣ is nice but mean in some ways
♣ does not like to be teased
♣ likes reading fanfics & manga
♣ a lousy writer
♣ i hate DOTA with passion
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IWants
♠ a happy life
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♠ improve my drawing
♠ more plushies (i bet this will never be crossed off)
♠ study hard
♠ more drawing tools
♠ stable emotions
♠ cuff earrings
♠ second piercing (left)
♠ more clothes
♠ learn hacking
♠ DIE SWINE FLU!!! PERISH!
♠ find cappu
♠
♠ get "dark lord"
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